


Wilting Flower

by xStephyG



Series: The Flower [23]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Amputation, Angst, Depression, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Trespasser
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-24
Updated: 2015-09-24
Packaged: 2018-04-23 05:53:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4865483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xStephyG/pseuds/xStephyG
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Evie struggles with the loss of her arm and Cullen struggles with the possibility of losing of his wife.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Two Hands

Lydia took hold of Evie’s hands, giving her student a matronly smile. “A true healer only needs two things to save a life, Evie.” She explained, squeezing Evie’s hands gently. “As long as you have two hands, you can save anyone.”

* * *

Evie wrapped her arm tighter around herself, fighting to keep her composure as Lydia’s words echoed in her mind. The fingers of her right hand slide down the remainder of her left arm until the appendage came to an abrupt end. She clutched the place where the rest of her arm used to be as her tears finally fell.

_If I’m not a healer anymore than what am I?_


	2. Loss

Cullen hummed a quiet tune to himself as he carried a tray down the hall to the bedroom. Breakfast in bed was something Evie had always loved before. 

He arrived at their room, nodding a greeting to Recruit who was resting in front of the closed door. “How’s it going, boy?”

The mabari looked up at his master, giving Cullen what seemed like a sympathetic look before rising and trotting down the hall. Cullen watched the intelligent creature make his retreat, feeling a pang of worry in his gut.

He pushed open the door, stepping into the room before gently kicking it shut behind him. Through the gloom that blanketed the entire room he could just make out a shape curled in the middle of the bed.

“Evie, love. I brought breakfast in bed.” Cullen whispered hopefully as he placed the tray on the bedside table. She didn’t move an inch; gave no indication that she had heard him or was even awake.

Cullen sighed heavily as he perched himself on the edge of their bed. They had moved into the modest home in South Reach only a month before; a week after the Exalted Council and… her arm. She had barely said a word or left the bed that whole time. She wouldn’t allow Cullen to sleep with her either, instead he slept in the guest room. He had barely seen, spoken to, or touched his wife since their wedding. He missed her more than words could describe.

“Evie, please…” His begged, reaching for her. His fingers had barely skimmed her shoulder before she flinched away from him.

“Don’t.” Her voice was quiet but harsh.

“Evie, I’m here for you.” That was when she finally sat up and faced him. Cullen kept his eyes on her face; he saw nothing but anger there.

“I don’t want you here!” She shouted, her voice cracking as she fought back her tears.

As painful as it was to hear her say that, he knew it wasn’t true; she loved him. She would always love him, she was just in pain right now. She was angry at the world; it was an anger he understood all too well. She needed to let it out and if he was the one she needed to direct it at then he would allow her to; he would be anything she needed. Even if that meant being her punching bag for a little while.

“Evie, I-”

“GET OUT!  **NOW!** ” Her voice was a shrill scream, causing Cullen to jump up from his spot beside her. “OUT!” She shrieked again when he still didn’t leave. She screamed over and over for him to leave her be, throwing anything she could reach with her right hand at him, until he finally relented and left the room with a defeated sigh.

Once out in the hall, Cullen pressed his back to the wood beside the open door, listening to Evie’s quiet sobs. He slid down the wall slowly until he was sitting on the floor, his knees to his chest as he too allowed his sorrow to take him and his own tears spilled over.

Evie had lost her arm but Cullen was losing everything he had ever wanted.


	3. Sleep

She looked so peaceful when she slept. It was the only time Cullen could be near her now. Whenever she was awake she wouldn’t look at him and barely spoke; only quiet pleas for him to leave her alone. It hurt him but he kept trying; he wouldn’t leave her, he couldn’t. She was his world.

So he crept into her room like a stalker in the night and watched her sleep. It started nearly a month ago; not long after they moved into their home and Evie made it clear she didn’t want to share a bed with him anymore. She never gave an explanation, just like everything she had done in the last month, only begged him to leave the bed on their first night in their new home and every night after that. Eventually, Cullen decided it was best to wait for her to go to him and began sleeping in the guest room. However, he couldn’t stay away completely.

Every night for that first week he would open the door to her room a crack and peer in on her for just a moment.  _Just checking if she’s okay_ , he told himself. A week after that he started lingering; leaning against the door frame, watching the even rise and fall of her chest, admiring the serene expression on her face, wishing he could crawl into bed with her, and hold her like he used to.

Then one night her face changed; brow furrowed, mouth opened in a silent scream, she reached for her left arm, and whimpered. He was at her side in an instant; pulling her into his arms as she cried out in her sleep. He held her to his chest, feeling her heart racing, and body shaking. He rocked her gently, murmuring in her ear that she wasn’t alone, she would never be alone, that he loved her, and he would always be there for her until she finally calmed and stopped grabbing at an arm she no longer possessed.

Once she settled again, he left. He didn’t know what else to do. If he stayed and she woke, his presence could upset her further. He didn’t want that. He just wanted her to be happy; that was all he has ever wanted.

After that night, he started sitting on the edge of the bed, watching her; studying her face for any signs of distress, fear, pain, anything that would have her crying out in her sleep again. He would protect her, be her silent guardian. He wouldn’t let her face her nightmares alone. She saved him from his, he would save her from her own.

He would stay until he couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer then he would return to his room to sleep alone. Every night his dreams were filled with her; flowers in her hair, laughing, and smiling. She would look up at him with love and life in her eyes. He dreamed of the day she returned to him, the day he could hold her in his arms and she would return his embrace. Then he would wake to a woman he didn’t recognize, filled with sorrow and anger. Every day he would ask himself the same questions; did she blame him for the loss of her arm? Is that why she couldn’t stand the sight me him?  Could he have saved her, kept her whole somehow?

Cullen’s eyelids started to droop, the fade calling to his weary mind and body. With one last longing gaze at his wife, Cullen rose from the bed and headed for the door. He paused before closing it behind him, thinking he heard Evie’s sweet voice dancing through the cool night air but he shook the thought from his mind; she was sleeping peacefully, it was just his tired mind playing tricks on him. He pulled the door shut gently and headed to his room to get a few hours sleep.

* * *

Evie stared at the closed door, her bottom lip trembling while her right hand brushed over the spot Cullen had just been; his warmth and scent lingering in the soft linen.

She had woken the moment he settled beside her, frightened at first until she realised it was her husband; then the guilt washed over her once more. She wanted nothing more than to roll over and bury herself in his embrace; to have him take away all her pain, all her fear, all her anger like he used to.  _Selfish_ , she reminded herself. He deserved so much more than what she was now; she was worthless. She could never be what he needed again. She just wanted him to go; to spare them both the pain of when he realises he could do so much better than a one-armed mage, that he deserves better than her.

However, when he started to leave the bed she began to panic. She didn’t want him to go; she wanted him to hold her like he used to. She didn’t care how selfish it was, she needed him. She couldn’t live without him. She had been pushing him away because she thought it was what was best for him but she didn’t want him to go anymore. She just hoped it wasn’t too late.

When she called for him, he paused for only a moment but still left. The tears she had been fighting fell freely now. She was too late. She’d lost him by her own doing.

“Please, don’t go.” She begged quietly, hoping somehow he would hear her and listen this time. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…”


	4. Morning

The morning started like every morning for Evie. She woke when the sun began to shine too brightly to ignore and laid in bed, trying to decide if she truly wanted to get up and face the day. The decision used to be easy; stay in bed and ignore the world around her.

However, as the weeks passed by it became tricky. Could she really keep doing that? Pretend there wasn’t anything but that bed? That there wasn’t an entire world for her to be a part of? That she didn’t have a life to live? Was her life really over because she lost her arm?

_No. No, it’s not._

Evie sat up in bed, stretching her right arm up over her head before she reached over to her left. She ran her fingers along her upper arm, feeling the muscles shift as she flexed them. She massaged the stiff muscles for a moment, calling forth a small rejuvenation spell to help ease the small ache that had formed over night. She shook her head as she remembered how she had felt a scant three weeks ago; that she wasn’t a healer anymore because she only had one hand.

_A foolish notion._

She smiled softly to herself as she climbed from the bed. She sat in front of her vanity and began brushing her hair. She hummed a quiet tune as she worked the bristles though the scarlet locks, admiring the way they curled at the ends and caressed her shoulders so softly.

Her smile grew just a little when she heard a scratching at the bedroom door. She shook her head again, placing her brush back on the vanity and headed to the door. When she opened it, Recruit came sauntering in, tail wagging as he pressed his head into her right hand.

“Good morning to you too.” She beamed, giving the pup a scratch behind his ear. He gave a happy bark in return before pulling away from her hand and jumping up onto the bed to watch her go about her morning routine.

Evie sat back down in front of the mirror and picked up the leather tie that was sitting beside her brush. Gathering her hair into her right hand, she attempted to wind it into a ponytail just as she had every morning for the last week. After several failed attempts she placed the tie back onto the vanity with a sigh. She hung her head for a moment, thinking about how easy it used to be; how she used to take a simple ponytail for granted. Recruit huffed behind her and she turned her gaze to the mirror, meeting the reflection of mabari’s eye.

“Tomorrow. I’ll get it tomorrow.” She told him, just as she had told him every morning for the last week. It didn’t matter that she hadn’t gotten it yet, what mattered was that she was going to keep trying; she wouldn’t give up so easily.

She laughed quietly when Recruit rolled over onto his back, his tongue flopping out as he waited for her to join him on the bed to give him a belly rub. He didn’t seem to care that she couldn’t tie her hair up yet, all he ever wanted was attention. That was something Evie could do.

“You’re spoiled. You know that, right?” Evie joked as she sat beside Recruit on the bed. Recruit’s only response was to lift his head and try to give her hand a lick. Evie pull her hand away playfully, laughing when the pup began whining. “And you’re a bit of a baby.” She laughed, presenting her hand to Recruit for him to lap at.

* * *

Cullen stood in the hallway, a smile shining on his face as he watched Evie play with Recruit. He had heard her laughter echoing down the hallway moments earlier and thought he was dreaming. It felt as though it had been years since he had heard that jubilant sound; he had to see what had made her not only smile but laugh after all this time.

When he arrived at her room he found the door ajar and her laughter still echoing through air. Peering in he was greeted by the sight of Evie playing with Recruit on the bed, laughing and smiling as the mabari threw his head around wildly, chasing her teasing hand.

Cullen leaned against the door frame, enjoying the scene before him; seeing Evie smiling was something he had dreamed of every night for the last month. As much as he wished he was the one to place that smile on her face, he was truly happy to see it again. To know that she hadn’t given up, that she was healing, was the greatest gift he could ever receive.

Suddenly Recruit let out a loud bark, pulling Cullen from his reverie. He turned his focus back to his wife to find her peering up at him. Cullen gawked at her, not knowing what to do or say; it had been so long since she had looked at him, truly looked at him, not just a glance to ensure he was leaving after she had asked him to. 

He stared into her emerald eyes, his heart pounding in his chest when she didn’t look away. His eyes darted to her lips, his hope faltering when he found her smile gone, only to have it return the barest amount when she spoke.

“Hello Cullen.”


	5. Hope

“Hello Cullen.”

Two words had never elicited such emotions in Cullen before. Two words and all the fear, doubt, and anguish from the last month started to lift. She was speaking  _to_  him; not begging him to leave, screaming at him to get away, but actually talking.

Hearing Evie speak, hearing her say his name, after all this time was a gift from the Maker Himself to Cullen. All he had to do now was speak himself; say hello, greet his wife, and they could talk. He could tell her all the things he had been wanting to tell her, ask her all the questions that had been plaguing him. Just a word or two and perhaps they could begin again, perhaps they could-

“Breakfast?” Evie asked, breaking Cullen from his trance once again.

“I… what?” Cullen stared at her utterly confused.

Evie swallowed around the lump in her throat. “Is-is breakfast ready?” Her gaze faltered as she spoke in a timid tone.

“No, not yet.” He answered carefully, his hope dying out once again. He had thought they would finally have a real conversation, not chat about meals. “I’ll go get it started now.” He managed to say, his throat feeling tight as he fought back the tears that were beginning to rise.

“I could-” Evie started when Cullen turned to leave. He paused, looking over his shoulder at her and her nerves caught up with her. “I mean, can I help?”

“Yes!” Cullen practically shouted in relief, making Evie jump. “That is, if you’d like…” He quickly corrected himself as he turned to face her, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

Evie ducked her head, a small smile on her lips as she nodded and she spoke again. “I would.”

* * *

Despite the optimism Evie’s desire to spend time with him brought, the pair spent the morning in relative silence; neither knowing how to start to a dialogue again. It used to be so easy for them; their conversations could go on for hours, they never ran out of things to talk about. Now though, so much had happened and so much had gone unsaid for such a long time; Cullen didn’t want to push her to talk until she was ready and Evie didn’t know how to start. The conversation that did occur was banal, at best; awkward small talk over a simple breakfast of eggs and toast.

When the meal was over Evie lingered, watching Cullen wash the dishes. Every few moments she would open her mouth to speak, to tell him all the things she wanted to but lost her nerve every time. Eventually, she gave up; she couldn’t do this, she didn’t know how, so she went back to her room with Recruit in tow.

Cullen watched the pair leave together, his heart aching with a longing to stop her; to ask her to wait so he could tell her all the things he wanted to, to ask her all his questions. To find out if she still loved him. He turned back to the sink and continued his task instead.

* * *

That evening Cullen returned to his room alone once more. He had thought to go to Evie’s room to say goodnight, but when he arrived at her closed door he decided against it; he didn’t want to push her. Today was a start, he didn’t want to ruin that by forcing her into anything she wasn’t ready for. Even if it was just a wish for her to sleep well.

Cullen turned to his bed, ready to get undressed and climb under the sheets to get some rest before he went to check on her later. However, something on his pillow caught his attention. He moved closer, a puzzled expression on his face when he saw the open book. He didn’t remember leaving it there. Peering down at the parchment, Cullen first noticed the glyph drawn in the top left corner and doodles of flowers in the bottom right; this was Evie’s spellbook.

He had only seen it open once before, years ago. She had left it open on her desk in Skyhold and he had started to flip through the pages, grinning foolishly at the little doodles in the corners and margins beside her notes. When she had entered her room she had rushed over and snatched the tome from his hands, explaining shyly she used it as journal as well. He had apologised for snooping then and promised to never do it again. What he didn’t understand was what it was doing here now. Unless…

He picked up the tome and turned his focus to the Evie’s elegant script, a lump forming in his throat as he read her words.

-

_Every morning I wake up and it was all a dream: the Exalted Council, the Qunari, the eluvians, Solas, my arm. I’m back at Skyhold, in my bed; safe, happy, me. Sometimes everything was a dream, the last three years never happened and I’m back in the Circle; waiting for a Templar to come wake me for my lessons. But then Recruit barks or I hear the birds singing outside and I remember; it’s not a dream, it happened and I open my eyes. I get up, brush my hair, take a bath, get dressed, have breakfast, and live._

_I can’t keep living for the things I lost, I need to live for the things I can have, the things I will have. I have a future. Some days it still feels impossible but I know I do. There’s so much strength in that knowledge._

_When I think about how I felt when it first happened, I was so angry; I never wanted this, I never asked for the Anchor, I never wanted to be the Herald or the Inquisitor but I had no choice. So I closed the rifts and the Breach, I led the Inquisition, I made choices I never wanted to make; choices that keep me awake at night and haunt my dreams still. And it took so much from me, including my arm. But it gave me so much more; friends I never thought I’d have, true purpose for my magic, a strength I didn’t know I processed but most importantly, it gave me you._

_I hope you’re reading this, Cullen. I know you respect my privacy but I left this here so you could read it. I wish I could tell you these things but it’s so hard; explaining that when I pushed you away it was because I thought I didn’t deserve you anymore, that you would be better off if I made you leave, that you were only staying with me because you made a vow, that you didn’t, couldn’t, love me anymore. It was foolish, I know but it was how I felt._

_Then one night you came into my room and sat with me. After everything I had put you through, there you were. And today, you came to my room and we spoke; only a few words and I could see how disappointed you were when I didn’t say more. I was just so nervous when I saw you standing there but the look on your face… I knew then I had been wrong._

_I’m so sorry, Cullen. I’m sorry for everything I’ve put you through. I know you love me and you always will. I wish I could promise I won’t do it again but I can’t. There are still going to be days where I’ll want to hide from the world, from you, from everything but know that I will always come back to you. You are my everything; my hopes, my dreams, my life, my future, my husband. When you’re ready, I’d like to see you, talk to you, hold you. I miss you, Cullen. I miss you so much._

_I love you. Always._

-

Tears stained his cheeks by the time he was done reading. To read these things, to know she still trusted him enough to share them with him, to know she still loved him, that she still wanted him, was all he had ever wanted, all he had hoped for.

He held the tome tightly in his hand as he headed to her room. When he was ready, she said? He had been ready the moment she walked into his life three years ago. Wait for her? He would wait until the end of time if she asked.

Cullen opened her door slowly, as eager as he was to see her, to hold her again, he didn’t want to wake her. When he looked in he was greeted by the sight of Evie sitting up in bed, watching him. Her eyes darted down to the book in his hands then back to his face, her eyes betraying her nerves.

He rushed to her side then, unable to contain his relief. He let the book fall from his hands as he climbed onto the bed with her, gathering her into his arms. He held her close to his chest, tears of joy falling when she pressed herself into his embrace, wrapping her arm around him.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry…” Evie sobbed, clutching his shirt for dear life as if she were afraid he would leave if she didn’t.

Cullen pulled back from her, cupping her cheeks in his hands and wiping away her tears with his thumbs. “Don’t ever apologise. You have nothing to apologise for, Evie. I will always be here for you. No matter what. And I will always wait for you. Always.” He promised as he stared into her eyes. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Cullen.” Evie buried her face in his chest, both of them repeating the words over and over as they finally held onto one another again after all this time.

That night they shared a bed again, Evie tucked into Cullen’s protective embrace. Cullen spent the entire night watching her sleep, just as he had done for the past weeks but this time he had her in his arms. It was all he had ever hoped for.


End file.
